Yesterday, I received an email from one of our readers.
I had intended the response below to just be “between he and I.” But, since I also received four or five similar emails in the past week or so…I thought I would just make it a blog post.
My guess (hope really) is that, because of it’s topic…and my “direct” approach…some of you may disagree.
If so…PLEASE…comment…let us know…PARTICIPATE PEOPLE!
Also, if you have not yet done it, check out our Facebook page at Facebook.com/TheIrwins and join/become a fan of our “fan page.” It is quickly becoming a fun and interesting place to interact with other Christians looking to better “become one” with their spouses.
Now…to the post/email…
This person started the conversation by asking advice because his wife virtually refused to have sex with him.
Now, unlike most of these types of situations, his wife really had some potentially good “excuses.” For the sake of not revealing their identity, I won’t elaborate. But, suffice it to say…her lack of interest MIGHT have been a true physical/health problem.
In my first response, I basically said, “If you are confident that you are being a good husband and fulfilling her needs OUTSIDE of the bedroom, then you have every right to expect her to do the same for you IN the bedroom.” I used the phrase “cashing in your relationship chips”…meaning…ALL relationships really are like checking accounts…we need to make deposits and withdrawals. And, just because you are looking to “withdraw” some sex…doesn’t mean its any less valid a desire.
His response, from what I could infer, was that I was “out of line” for implying that he do this…and that I probably crossed some sort of line by implying that she wasn’t demonstrating her “love and loyalty” as much as possible, if she had unilaterally taken sex off the table for THEIR marriage.
My second response is below. If you don’t have the patience for another one of my long, rambling posts….I’ll try to put it in a nutshell for you…
1) No such thing as a good sexless Christian marriage.
Unless you happen to be in a marriage where BOTH of you…for whatever reason…have decided that sex is not a necessary part of the relationship…there is no such thing as “a good Christian sexless marriage.” Period.
Now, I guess it’s possible that there are marriages where both partners don’t care about sex. If that is the case, more power to you. But, in most situations that is not the case. One spouse has arbitrarily/unilaterally “opted out” of sex…and expects the other spouse to “deal with it.”
Given that Scripture shows clearly that one of the BIGGEST purposes of marriage…according to God…is to provide an outlet for our sexual drives/needs….If one spouse is left “hanging in the wind” in this area…it is NOT as God would desire.
2)Stop putting “the cart before the horse”
In many marriages (most?) if you are stuck waiting until the “low sex” spouse is “in the mood” it will NEVER happen! Like most worthwhile activities in life…DOING the activity CREATES the desire and interest and rewards. So…plan and just do it! In many cases…this will be enough to overcome the “inertia” caused by months/years of avoiding sex…really…try it!
Friend,
Most all of the “low sex desire” situations that we encounter are “psychological.” So, given your clarification, your approaches may not need to be that different than the other men we’ve worked with.
There are two potential causes of her current “lack of desire” (in addition to what you have listed). 1) Her (and your) belief that your sexual interactions necessarily need to have anything to do with her “interest” at the given moment. 2) The false belief that lack of interest/desire can’t be (fairly easily) CREATED.
Why are you two working under the assumption that nothing happens until she’s interested/desirous? Obviously YOU are. Schedule it. Plan it. Set it aside as one of her “to do” items. If you do this, chances are, after “getting started” the interest/desire may just kick in…
Particularly with women, it is many times necessary to “just do it” or “start the engines” before the “interest/desire” kicks in. But, once in the midst of “play,” the interest/desire inevitably happens. If you/she are waiting for her to have interest/desire BEFORE “revving the engines” you may be waiting a lifetime…it just doesn’t work that way…with MOST women.
The body image issues can be a real “mood killer” for both men and women…but…again, between the two of you, it is possible to ACTIVELY and thoughtfully plan your sexual interactions to minimize these as much as possible. Maybe…she leaves her bra on?
The problem with her allowing her “losses” to affect her sense of femininity AND allow it to cut off sex is that it creates a further vicious cycle. A HUGE part of any woman’s personal sense of attractiveness/femininity is related to YOUR expression/demonstration of desire/love/acceptance through reassuring her THROUGH sexual interaction. IF there is none…it eliminates your ability to do this…eliminating one MAJOR way for her to overcome these issues…and the downward cycle continues.
Now, I’ll address the following statement as directly as I can. If it seems a little too direct, I apologize in advance; I’m trying to help, if possible.
“It needs to be noted that I am neither testing my wife’s love nor trying to cash in my relationship chips. We’ll be married 14 years August 5th, and at this point, I can pretty well be assured of her love and loyalty.”
My guess (not actually knowing you, just interpreting the “tone” of this paragraph) is that THIS is EXACTLY where the problem lies (relative to you).
“I am neither testing my wife’s love nor trying to cash in my relationship chips.” Really? why? Are you the one husband on planet Earth that is above this? What you ARE doing is acting out in a passive/aggressive manner. Is your wife on ****? If so, your posting of your current “problems” publicly (as opposed to just privately) WAS you communicating…and WAS you trying to cash in “something.”
And, what I meant by the “cashing in the relationship chips” was this…many (trust me…MANY) men will come to me with their complaints about their wife’s lack of desire. And, the first thing I discover is that he is a super selfish spouse in all other parts of the marriage. It might be a lame metaphor…but a relationship…even a Christian marriage IS a lot like a relationship with a bank; if you never make any “deposits” you have no right/ability to make withdrawals. But, if you are fairly certain that you are giving her what she needs/desires (with women…this is mostly emotional support and communication time/attention)…you have every right to “cash in” those chips for some sex!
Since you never directly addressed my question..I’m (till you straighten me out) going to assume that you have some doubts that you are doing EVERYTHING you can to fulfill her needs/desires (outside the bedroom). If you are…what moral/ethical/theological concept would make it remotely okay that your marriage is a “one way street?” It wouldn’t be okay…and as you’ve stated..isn’t.
“I can pretty well be assured of her love and loyalty.” How? In this area…which is very important to you…she is unwilling to “go out of her way” to unselfishly try to work through her issues to accommodate you…and…my guess is (based on your “I’m not testing her” statement) that you are unwilling to push the issue…to the point where she has a chance to demonstrate her love/loyalty. As a wife, you aren’t demonstrating your love an loyalty…sufficiently…if you’ve unilaterally decided sex is a practically non existent part of the marriage. It’s as simple as that.
I recently went through a real “go round” with my 16 year old son. Based on our overall family/friends environment, he would have the ability to find a place to live…if he were dead set on doing so. Our confrontation led me to pushing the issue/testing him…making it clear that he was, in fact, making a choice…love and respect me as you should…as your Father..or leave. Fortunately, he made the right choice. But, it was very scary/stressful to take my approach because it might have gone differently.
But…had I not done that…had I not “tested” him…neither he or I would REALLY know if he would choose my desires/needs (as his Father) or his own selfish teenager stuff. Now that he made the correct choice and we had the opportunity to work through things…AFTER…he “passed the test” we are now stronger and better for it.
If you are in the one marriage in which you are both “above” testing your spouse…because you NEED TO KNOW FOR REAL that they love you enough to put you first…you are in a marriage that needs to be historically documented…it’s the first!
And…as you have learned, from experience, sex is one of the most difficult areas in which to work through these types of issues because…
a) Our sexual needs/desires are so strong and deeply embedded.
b)Being ignored or rejected, sexually, is a very painful thing.
c)As Christians, we make it worse….WAY WORSE…because we allow ourselves..and our spouses…to treat sex as if it were “THE EXCEPTION.” It, for some strange reason, is the one part of a Christian marriage where a spouse can just “opt out” of putting the other person first…and can get away with it…just because…it’s sex.So…to possible solutions to your situation…
1) Start with God
We are willing (if we admit it) to ask God to help us with our golf swing. Why would he not care about our sexual needs/desires? A sexless marriage is not (according to God’s definition) really a marriage…as long as one partner has not mutually agreed to this sexless status…and still desires sexual activity. God made it that way. He knows how to fix it. He knows what you need to do/not do…say/not say…to spark some “willingness to compromise” in your wife. THAT is all you need. You don’t need her to wake up a different person…or a “nymphomaniac.” You just need her to care enough about your needs/desires that she is willing to TRY to put you first…in this area.
2) Ruthlessly look at yourself.
Are you putting her first in those areas that she wants you to?
Or, have you drawn arbitrary/unilateral “lines in the sand” in certain areas of your marriage/relationship?
If so, you need to consider doing what you are hoping she will do in the sexual part of your relationship
3) Don’t make the mistake of allowing sex to be “different” from any other part of your relationship.
Does she expect you to take out the garbage? Cut the grass? Pay the mortgage?
Do you expect her to clean? Do you expect her to do the shopping?
Sex is no different. It is a fundamental and completely moral thing to ASSUME that your SPOUSE will have sex with you. And it SHOULD be completely normal to treat it as such…
If you told her you “weren’t in the mood” to cut the grass this week…what would she say?
If she told you she “wasn’t in the mood” to clean the dishes tonight..would that not seem strange?
How is “I’m not in the mood” for sex any different?
It’s not.
4) Use “how God created her” to your advantage.
Once you have begun sexual activity (assuming you are doing your best to please/involve her)…it is virtually a given that interest/desire/excitement WILL begin in her.
But…you both have to give yourselves a chance to get to that point. Again…if you wait till “she feels like it” it may never happen.
Another lame analogy. I recently began working out again. It’s really been awhile and I am embarrassed by my current state of fitness (lack of). When I do work out…I don’t feel very successful because I am forced to “start over” and remember what it was to be physically active…my techniques are a little rusty. Working out makes me sweat ..which is inconvenient because I now have to take two showers per day. Currently it can be painful…before..during…and after working out.
Now…100% of the time…before actually putting on my workout gear and going to the basement…and being in the middle of actually working out…I HATE the idea of working out. I have ZERO interest/desire to do so.
But…once I am actually there…doing it…something amazing happens…I start to like it…I enjoy using my body and forcing it to adapt…adrenaline starts to flow…and…almost 100% of the time…once “in the middle of it” I enjoy myself and have tried to figure out ways to workout more/longer.
For spouses with low sex desire/interest…many times…it is THIS is the biggest problem/enemy/relationship and sex “killer.” It is that everyone is sitting around waiting for that spouse to magically experience some desire/interest…without creating/forcing circumstances/activities that might actually overcome their current “inertia.”
If your spouse is truly interested in “putting you first” then they will be willing to make sex one of those things that they “fake it till they make it” sort of things…because…
a) In this case…it’s about YOU.
b)They will learn…by experience…that interest/desire/excitement USUALLY come AFTER the sex begins!
You ended your message with…
“I can pretty well be assured of her love and loyalty. But sexual expression is an essential part of marital love, and our marriage is withering on the vine for want of it…”
I completely agree with the second half of that paragraph. Not so much the first..at this point.
Being assured of your spouse’s love and loyalty involves them demonstrating that , sometimes, YOU come first. Sometimes, even if it’s sex…love and loyalty have to be PROVEN…not assumed.
And, as you implied in that paragraph…and I concur…if we “fool ourselves” into believing “everything is fine”…despite that nagging feeling/thought that the lack of sex in your marriage is “drying it up”…and do it long enough….what we might have left is just the shell of a relationship…the husk of a vine that remains…even when the vine is dead.
God doesn’t want that to happen to your marriage…and it doesn’t have to happen. IF you go to Him and DO have MORE expectations…MORE willingness to “test” and MORE willingness to “expect.”
Best Wishes,
Robert
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Excellent post, and gives lots to think about.
wow what a post! Thank you very much, this gave me some great insight & really helped me understand some of the same things I've been experiencing.
We've only been married for 10 years but this is already a struggle for us. We have three kids and live in a stressful part of the world (missionaries in Africa) and she is rarely in the mood. I feel like I have to hint around for days and we may end up having sex 1-2 times a month. I'm doing my best to build her up, help out around the house…but most of the times she is busy doing stuff…and she admits that sex is the last thing on her mind.
Perhaps a good way to look at the exchange with Denise (above) is that each spouse should only "keep accounts" as to what one owes one's spouse, and one should not open the "account book" as to anything that one's spouse might be viewed as owing. Focus only on your own debt to the other. If both can do this, the system works great.
As to the exchange with P-J, a woman "forcing" HERSELF to act to give her husband what her husband needs is a good servant attitude in action, not rape (rape would be HIM forcing HER).
WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOUR WIFE CONSTANTLY SAYS I HAVE A PROBLEM OF 'FEELING COLD' SHE WON'T COME TO BED UNTIL THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND ALTHOUGH WE TALK A LOT ABOUT A SOLUTION IT NEVER CHANGES. BEEN LIKE THIS FOR ABOUT A YEAR. SHE DOES LOVE ME AND DOES ALL MANNER OF OTHER NICE THINGS FOR ME, BUT SEX HAS BECOME OUT -TIMEWISE AND DESIRE WISE FOR HER. SHE IS 62 AND I AM 57. HELP!!
I was a "cold" wife – my hormones are shifting for me (I'm 49) and I need the bedroom to be warm. I take a hot bath or at least a hot shower to warm up while the bedroom is heating up. Something else I learned to do was take ginger tea with a bit of honey. Offer her a nice massage after the shower and see what happens.
My hubby helps set the scene, too, by telling me he has a bath ready. It all takes an attitude of giving. My hubby goes out of his way to make sure I get pleasure and thus it is much easier for me to "warm up" or at least find ways to warm up. Oh, and there is nothing like heated sex to get the body warm – maybe she forgets that once she gets into it, she will get warm and then sleep peacefully.
There's only one thing about the "cashing in your chips" idea. It doesn't get past the keeping some kind of mental checklist problem. Love stops keeping records.
It wasn't until my heart was transformed by the agape love of God that I could start thinking about how much I could give a blesing to my husband by meeting his sexual needs regardless of whether he'd done a fantastic job of meeting my needs or been mediocre at the task. I made the decision that whether I felt like it or not I would choose to give him better than he might have been deserving that day, just as my Savior has given better than I deserve.
My mantra has become "I'm willing to be made willing." The results have been amazing. I couldn't live without that part of our relationship anymore.
Denise makes an important point I’m sure I didn’t express fully enough. In the real world…if either spouse is waiting to expect proper treatment (sex or otherwise) until they or their spouse are perfect…we’ll all be sexless…and hungry…and lonely. We are all pretty imperfect creatures. It is in our struggle to be selfless and “put the other person first” that we find the magic…we/they don’t need to see perfection…we/they just need to see that another person in this world cares more about us…then themselves…and is trying.
I've derived great value from keeping a personal sex journal that has made me aware of our frequency of lovemaking and quality of sex. It has special value when I make entries regularly and review the experiences honestly and completely. Having done this for more than a year has proven invaluable and has allowed me to calibrate my expectations and desires with reality. If a given experience has gone especially well, I reflect on why it did, the events that led up to it, and also when an experience has been disappointing. As one person once remarked: "When sex is good, it's very good, and when it is bad it's better than nothing!" There's no erotic film or racy novel quite equal to the joy of reading about your own sex life. It's wonderful, and God's greatest gift to us all.
Here's part of a recent happy entry: "… I felt a wonderful longing for lovemaking and she quickly got in the mood, we caressed long and slowly, it was extra enjoyable in the dark perfect coolness to throw back the sheet and feel the joyful air, I loved getting up on my hands and knees, gently and happily wrapping my arms about her legs, buttocks, knees, feet, pleasuring her nipples, tummy, navel, groin, thighs, knees, calves, tentatively visiting the perimeter of Venus' domain until she offered to get on top and we experienced a long unhurried rocking whilst I savored the feel of her perfect breasts on my chest and lovely nipples on my mouth, sometimes sucking/kissing both at once, taking great delight in gently stroking the backs of her feet, thighs, buttocks, vulva, neck, hair, arms, hands, taking full measure of her with my long arms, generally letting my penis stay mostly in place while our bodies rocked vigorously and joyously, we swapped positions with me on top, and I was in a position to stroke more rapidly without having to come, putting my back into my pleasuring task until some ejaculation became inevitable, we rolled on our sides face-to-face, and I commenced to sucking and kissing her right breast while gently keeping her slippery clitoris stimulated, listening to the pace of her breathing and keeping her on the edge of orgasm as long as possible and witnessing her extended ecstasy, at long last we gently caressed at full body length and exulted in a long afterglow of loving celebration."
I’m speachless. What a great comment. The whole idea of keeping this sort of journal is really cool. To me, doing something like this really raises the bar on “honoring and cherishing” your marriage relationship and sex life.” It is also, possibly, one of the only ways to create “stimulating” material that doesn’t cross the line into sin…fantasizing or remembering sexual encounters…with your spouse…can only be enriching to the relationship.
Today, my sexual desires are either satisfied by myself, or the energy is transmuted to other areas of my life. While she may not be ready or willing to respond to my sexual overtune. I stand ready to respond to hers. (Oh, don't misunderstand me, I still enjoy every moment I have with my wife.)
No, I can't say this is a good solution, but it is a workable one. Keep writing Robert!
I was tempted to "throw it in her face." My mind has reasonalized that "if she refuses to "perform her marital duties," then she has already divorced me. I can find my own satisfaction elsewhere…" My heart wanted to play childish games, "you withhold this, then I will withhold that. You disrespect my desires. I will disrespect your desires. Two can play the same game…"
I spent much time in contemplation, reading the bible, praying, and waiting… My conclusion is that God is calling me to work on ME, not on her. That doesn't mean I don't communicate with her about my pain and pleasures. What it does mean is that I have come to accept her and her imperfection as is.
Sex is definitely not a lesser part of marriage. Paul dealt with this directly in 1 Cor 7. He was clearly talking about sex. I strongly agree that we need to be "wise," like picking the "best" time. However, there is no "not the best time" exception clause for sex in the marriage. In fact, the "default setting" is to have them.
What this sexual problem reveal is a much deeper spiritual issue. We worship and follow our own cultures and personal preferences a whole lot more than biblical teaching. And I will admit I am in the same boat. Robert's call to "ruthlessly" look into ourselves is wise teaching. Thank you, Robert.
The entire article disturbs me because it implies that rape is acceptable within a marriage. If you wish to deny this, you yourself used the word "forcing" and there was never major concern with the question of CONSENT.
There is a massive difference between mowing the lawn and having sex with someone – the difference is called *bodily integrity*. No-one has the right to assume access to someone else's body, no matter what. It is the ultimate betrayal!
You are talking about pressuring a woman to allow someone to invade her body when she is not willing. That is not going to build a marriage! That is only going to destroy it as she feels betrayed by the person who is supposed to love her most.
If there are issues, then get some counselling together – talk about it, work it out.
I think it is fine to expect her not to ignore the issue, to pressure her to *talk* about it and try to work out the root of the problem. But to pressure another human being into giving up their body against their will is so very wrong. It's rape.
If we need an example of how Christians sometimes make sex rocket science…this would be a good one. I assure you that in my encouragement of this man to ensure he is meeting his wife’s every need and desire BEFORE expecting her to do the same for him in bed…I never implied IN ANY WAY that it was okay to force himself on her…physically or otherwise. If you saw that in there somewhere…I assure you it was something you found…despite the words on the page. But, in case anyone else thought the same thing, I’ll say it explicitly….”Rape isn’t okay.” And, you are correct, no one,including a spouse, has the Scriptural, moral or logical right to access someone else’s body without their consent. But I would contend that when one spouse arbitrarily/unilaterally withholds sex/their body from their spouse…they are committing an aggressive act as well; they are withholding something that they have pledged as no longer “just theirs” to withhold. Assuming you are concerned with the Christian view of such things (which is what are particular concern is here), I’m sure you know that Christian people are under the assumption that they are no longer two separate people…with “their body” and “their spouse’s body”…they are “one flesh” in God’s eyes. Of course this is all very mysterious, high-fallutin and conceptual…and it doesn’t give anyone the right to “force” themselves on anyone….but it IS the metaphorical framework in which Christian marriages are formed. And, for all those spouses (male and female) out there that tell us about the “living hell” in which they exist because their spouse has decided they don’t deserve a complete marriage…I’ll `say…rape may be “the ultimate betrayal” …but withholding from your spouse…what is rightfully theirs…is also a betrayal….and an aggressive act, as well. And, you are correct, sex and “cutting the grass” are not “the same.” If a spouse chooses not to cut the grass…he/she probably isn’t causing their spouse serious emotional/spiritual and physical harm…they are just risking a really ugly front lawn.
lol! I am most certainly concerned with the biblical perspective and I know it very well – I have studied the bible my whole life, including at bible college.
That does not mean I'm not permitted to hold to feminist ideals of respect for women. I didn't mean that you were saying specifically that rape is okay – but there are a great number of men who could misinterpret what you said to believe that rape is okay! You did actually use the word "forcing" at one point. At least one in three women is raped in her lifetime, there are an awful lot of men out there who feel entitled to take women's bodies without consent – and I don't see it as helpful to imply that is okay, even without meaning to!
Every individual simply *must* have the right over their own body. There is nothing more demeaning than having another human being doing things to your body that you don't want and pretending that you are enjoying it simply for them.
I am not saying this as someone who denies my husband sex – I don't – in fact, I would probably seek it more often than him! lol! But my husband would *never* want to make love with me if I was not interested. He feels absolutely ill at the thought (he has told me that himself). And I believe he is right to – because he sees me as a human being and that is far more important to him than my body.
I reiterate if one partner desires sex less than the other, by all means encourage them to seek help, to go to counselling, etc. Deal with the issues behind it. But it is never okay to pressure another human being into sex. There may be many reasons why the other partner is not interested, generally they will be psychological, and it is wrong to ignore those reasons and focus only on sex.
You are, of course, free to hold any “feminist” ideals that you would like. My problem with such “ideals” ,if I have any, is that a Christian marriage should have no need for “feminist ideals.” That’s exactly the point of “becoming one.” Done correctly…a Christian marriage is “post feminism.” And, one of the MAJOR points I’m trying to communicate is this…”interested” is one of the most dangerous words in the sex life of any marriage. “I’m not interested.” “She’s not interested.” Blah…blah…blah. There are 500 things a week that I do…interested or not…because it is the right thing to do…as a husband…father…son…neighbor. If we all sat around waiting to be “interested” in sex….and then we had to hope it happens at exactly the same time…for both spouses….let’s just be honest….we will NEVER have sex. In fact…one of the (potentially) most beautiful parts of sex in a marriage is the possibility that one spouse (on a given day/time) is “offering” themselves…when they are not exactly in a super “hot” mood. Now…the related issue…which is VERY relevant…is that “interest” and “desire” are NOT really so mystical…they are physiologically triggered by….HAVING SEX. So…in most cases…with most humans…if you begin the process of sex….and you are both actively attempting to be involved….give and receive pleasure…if you don’t BECOME interested…either you weren’t actively trying…OR…there may be some serious underlying physical or emotional issues….or…of course…relationship issues (resentment,anger?).
Well, put Robert. At first the "cashing in the chips" analogy made me wonder where you were going with it – because I think know you. But after reading the entire entry, I have to agree.
Speaking as a woman who used to need his account paid in full with interest before I would think of looking at him, much less going to bed, I can vouch for the fact that, at least this woman, was very stingy about sex. I suppose I really thought he could learn to control himself better and that somehow he would be a more spiritual man if he could just look to more important activities. I shake my head now.
It really irked me when a wise older woman told me that I should be willing to be his happy lover anytime he asked. I would complain that I was too tired to want it (keeping house and raising 9 children is hard work). Her rebuttal, "So you think he is not tired from working all day? Learn to want it!!"
I took her advice. And I am glad I did. It took me many years to totally loosen up but life is so much better all the way around. And yes I am still tired (five young children still at home) but taking a short nap helps and then I sleep so much better after a good and satisfying romp.
thanks for the well thought out post.
This idea that sex is one of our “lesser” or less important or less spiritual needs and expressions of our personality is NOT a Biblical/Christian idea. One issue that I do think is important to be “realistic” about though…is the whole timing issue. Different people have different times of the day in which they are more likely to enjoy sex. One of the first things every couple should do is figure out each person’s “best” time and then find a compromise that works for both. In the real world…MOST people are just exhausted most evenings. So, you either have to plan for an easier day or two per week…where you won’t be quite so exhausted. Or, plan in lunch time “dates” that involve sex…or mornings before work. For most people, realistically, evenings are the worst time!
Even Sex gets to be old when the spouse only participates for you. If there isn't some mutual interest, it is really lacking. One might suggest that if the spark doesn't start once sex begins the active spouse must be doing something wrong. well, Maybe but maybe not. Some women (or men) may just be pre-disposed to not really caring about sex. There was a day when moms told their daughters once they get married they would just have to let their husbands do things to them. What a way to start a marriage! I am not sure they ever get over that idea.
This is an important point that I’m not sure I do a great job of communicating. It’s NOT just about the “lower sex” spouse submitting…or allowing sex. As humans…at least normal humans…that isn’t enough for sex to be fulfilling or fun. We MUST feel as if the other person is involved and enjoying themselves. Now…where most Christians drop the ball here..is that they assume what type of sex is sex….and they limit how and when and where it will happen…so…it is much harder to find “the place” where the “lower sex spouse” can not just submit…but actually learn to enjoy themselves. Additionally…there may be a selfishness issue with the “lower sex spouse” if they are just “dead set” on not EVER figuring out how to enjoy themselves…ideally…and what God intended…was that pleasing your spouse would be pleasing to you!
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